Sent out

Today is my last day in the US. My dad looked at me from across the dinner table tonight and asked "Summer, where did these last four months go?" It went too fast. I have enjoyed my time here so much, it's been so long since I've been "around" family. I was able to be here when my grandfather passed away, to say goodbye to him and grieve his passing; I was here to watch my nephew play baseball and hit home-runs, cheering him on from the stands; I was able to spend valuable time with my nieces, watching them in play using their vivid imaginations, wondering when they grew up...and now realizing that it will be several years until I get to hug them again. I have strengthened my friendship with my sisters and cherished the deep and meaningful talks we would have, and laugh and joke like we've never been apart. My sisters are my best friends, and I will feel the void of their presence as I have had it over the last few months. I've also spent valuable time with my parents, feeling their love for me so strongly and cherishing the time we've spent as a family. I am so blessed with the family i have...God has given me such an amazing gift of friends and family. But He has also shown me the treasure He has given me in the body of Christ-those in Texas, those in Ohio, and those all over the nation and internationally. I've had tears well up for me today, it comes and goes. I'm not sure how tomorrow morning will be. I may break down or I might hold it in...sometimes I just don't know how I will deal. But all I know is this is my path, this is the destiny laid out for my by the Lord...I trust His guidance and as He leads me (like in Psalm 23) so He will lead my family; protecting them and loving them and caring for them.
Here I am Lord, send me.

The gigantic elephant in the room

Even though each day moves on, making the tally one less day until my departure, it still doesn't feel real. Yesterday we had farewell party for me with my extended family, and yet it didn't feel any different than one of our normal get togethers. Today we had our family photos taken and again it didn't feel like this would be the last one we would have all together for 4 years. We're not really talking about it, although sometimes I catch a glimpse of my mom teary eyed and sniffling...I know she's thinking about it and I know that she feels that it's getting closer. I think we all feel that it's getting closer, but none of us is really wanting to talk about what this really means for us as a family. It's the gigantic elephant in the room.
Tonight though, a little crack in our tough exterior regarding this topic was made. I was sitting on the front porch of my sister's house just talking. She was asking me details about what more I needed to buy and what still needed to be done before I leave and then talking about our family photos that had been taken. I shared with her how good it made me feel that Mason (my 10 yr. old nephew) had wanted to make sure to get a picture taken with me. It was then that the crack came...she proceeded to tell me that Mason is taking my leaving harder than she thought he would. She went on to explain what she meant by that and it just about broke my heart to hear that this is difficult for him. But as I sit here and write this, it breaks my heart because I'm not going to be able to be here for him (or the others) like I have over the last four months. Mason will be 14 when I get back. Maxon will be 4. Callie and Izzy will be 8 or 9 and Sydney will be 10. I won't be able to have girls night at Aunt Summer's house where we paint our nails, play games and watch fun movies. So much of their lives I'm going to miss. I want to know them and for them to know me, and a fear is that they'll know who their aunt Summer is, but we won't really know each other. That thought kills me. And these are honest moments when a part of me wishes that God would have called me to something different, something that didn't take me away from my family. These honest moments won't keep me from going for there is a great part of my heart that is longing for this, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have moments of feeling that I wanted to stay.
I am grateful that in today's world of int'l work I'm not hopping on a freight, with my stuff packed in my coffin, with the basic idea that I would never return home. I am grateful for things like skype, iPod facetime, email, video, etc. These things will make it easier to stay connected...but they will never replace living life side by side, being there in the flesh giving hugs........

These are the things that I'm thinking about at 1:42am...the things that I'm starting to feel.

Andrew Peterson - The Reckoning

I can see the storm descending on the hill tonight
Tall trees are bending to Your will tonight
Let the mighty bow down
At the thundering sound of Your voice

I can hear the howling wind and feel the rain tonight
Every drop a prophet in Your name tonight
Oh, and the song that they sing
It is washing me clean but

How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?

And I know You hear the cries of every soul tonight
You see the teardrops as they roll tonight
Down the faces of the saints
Who grow weary and faint in Your fields

And the wicked roam the cities and the streets tonight
But when the God of love and thunder speaks tonight
Oh, I believe You will come
Your justice be done, but how long?

You are holiness and grace
You are fury and rest
You are anger and love
You curse and You bless
You are mighty and weak
You are silence and song
You are plain as the day
But you have hidden Your face--
For how long? How long?

And I am standing in the stillness of the reckoning
The storm is past and rest is beckoning
Mighty God, how I fear You
How I long to be near You, O Lord

How long until this burden is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
And I know that I don't know what I'm asking
But I long to look You full in the face
I am ready for the reckoning

Tools in my language belt

Yesterday I finished my three week course on Language acquisition. It feels wonderful to have completed this, but also it feels great that I have some big time tools in my language belt now. Can I say long and complex sentences in German? haha...that's funny. No, I cannot, but I can comprehend much more than I thought, and remember words and phrases that I learned ages ago in high school German class. I've always been a simple girl, and so goes it with language-the things I know right now...super simple. But I'll survive, and hopefully not be too scarred by the amount of laughter and huge mess ups that will come my way once I get into Berlin. Oh! And...I almost forgot, I can gargle and hack my way through the "uvular r" that those Germans love to use. Let's just say I hope that the people I speak with wear a spit guard. :D
So, although I am far from mastering the phonetic sounds of languages all over the world, I can "glottal stop, and alveolar trill" with the best of them!

Now that this class is over, I find myself having the precious jewel of "time" returned to me. I can blog, write my updates, make calls to friends I neglected during my online course, spend time with people again, watch The Return of the King extended dvd with my dad (we're addicted to LOTR!) finish my shopping list, and start packing as I begin this final countdown of 2 weeks before departure. Only 15 days left in the great continental United States.

As Sure as the Dawn...

Ahh. I needed this tonight-a chance to sit on my back porch listening to silence of the night and reflecting on the day, and the weeks and the months that seem to have gone by without me even noticing. We have now surpassed the middle of July, which means my time in Ohio will be drawing to a close in less than a month...27 days to be exact. I've been thinking about what it means to say goodbye to family and friends and I even envision what the day of my departure will look like when I hug my parents and sisters and nieces and nephew before i board my plane and fly across the world...hello sob fest.
A few months ago while I was at General Council I got a chance to sit with a good friend of mine who has been living in Africa for the last four years-the first thing she said to me when we finally sat down to talk was "I'm not going to ask you if you are excited. How are you really doing with this?" Boy was I glad that she cut through all of the surface banter to the core of my soul. She remembered the emotions. She remembered the goodbyes, some of the hesitancies of moving to another country and the very real process of culture shock. Of course there is excitement that runs through my veins and on one level I am ready to get on that plane now and begin this life that I have spent the last however many years of my life anticipating...but if I play hop scotch and jump right over the very real emotions that exist right alongside of the excitement I am doing my heart and my soul and my family a disservice. This time is precious time when we can say the things we want to say to each other and never had the chance.
Would I rather sit in the boat of excitement than have to swim in the waters of these emotions that come with saying goodbye? Yes, vulnerability is scary but Jesus is out in that water-calling me to come to him.

When some have asked how I am doing and I admit that I have feelings of sadness, too often they want to move me out of it by saying..."But you are doing the work of the Lord, there is so much excitement that lies ahead." yes. There is. But the feelings of sadness are just as real and I don't want to glibbly pass over them-relationships will change-friendships that I've had for years will not be the same-great losses will be felt. while there are great adventures before me I must first bid adieu' or an "auf wiedersehen" to the adventures that I've had. It isn't always easy for a idealist person such as myself who is all about the sentiment of the times to say good-bye to what once was.

This blog is correctly labeled for this part of life's journey...there is a road that stretches on ahead of me; it draws me ever on into the great unknown with the horizon as my line of sight. I am thankful that as sure as the dawn is that comes over that horizon so is my Jesus as faithful as its rise.

So, if you interact with me and ask how I'm doing, don't be surprised if I'm honest with you about it. The first words that come out of my mouth very well may be that I'm excited, but deeper still inside of me is a river of emotions.

The every day ordinary

This is the second time I have come to my blog page and sat blankly thinking of something to write. How on earth do I not have anything to say? I think sometimes I wait for some sort of brilliant revelation that has come over me and I want to bless the world with it...and well no brilliant revelations as of lately have come upon me. Bummer. Ah alas, there is more to my existence than just my musings on the meaning of life-so I thought I would share with you just some of the "every day ordinary."

Monday was was Memorial day-90 degrees and humid. I thought I left that weather down in Texas. Anyway, I went over to my sister's house for a cook-out and a rousing tournament (all planned out by my 10 year old nephew) of Corn Hole. Yes, that's right folks, Corn Hole. While it may sound a little red neck, I will say that it is addicting and strikingly pulls out a competitive edge within me.
It was also an evening of watching little Callie play with the kitty...what a sight to watch her try and ride on its back! It didn't work out to the advantage of the kitty.

It is one of my favorite things to just sit and watch the youthfulness of these little ones. Mason has so much energy, spurting here and there, and excelling at everything he does. Callie loves to just experience life-she'll take advantage of the grassy hill at the baseball field in which she and her little friends say "ready. set. roll!" and roll down the hill, bumping into each other, and giggling because they are having so much fun. And here comes a thought just gleaned: I miss the days of carefree living. I miss not having anything to be concerned about except when I would see my friends next, when I'd go to the swimming pool, going to get an ice cream cone, etc. There is so much enjoyment in participating in life. It truly is inspirational to watch them-inspires me to let go of the worries that I wear on my shoulders and enjoy the goodness of life that was meant to be enjoyed.

So, as I was sitting and contemplating this while watching the kids run around, I decided that I would do something that I always loved to do...climb trees. I still got it! I gripped a hold of that tree branch, walked my feet up the trunk and flung my legs over the branch to hoist myself up. I hope that when I'm 60 I can still do this. :)
As my friend Stef and I declared during one of our roadtrips from Ohio to Wheaton a few years ago-----E TO THE J BABY...E TO THE J. (Enjoy the journey.) A little more hip and trendy than sticking to the old fashioned saying of stop and smell the roses. :)

Sooooo....E TO THE J! Enjoy your journey!

"Guten morgen meine schöne frau" is the greeting that awaits me every morning during my stay here in El Paso. The phrase means "good morning my beautiful woman." I absolutely love this. My host's Deutsch Akzent is adorable, and I love when she mixes her German with her English...what would that be called "Germish?" "Gereng?" "Manlish?" (shrug).

Anyway, it just really excites me about when I get to start learning the language. I really have a feeling that when I am around it 24/7 in Berlin that my previous knowledge of the language will come swiftly to return to the surface of my brain. I already understand a lot. But more than her accent, I love her heart for God. We've had some incredible, and I mean incredibly conversations over the breakfast table (they usually last several hours).

Well I have been out in West Texas for a good while now and I am so sad to say that I have not seen a tumbleweed "tumble" across the roads yet! I have however seen the tumbleweeds stationary in the ground just waiting for the wind to blow strong enough to uproot it and carry it away. I think that I definitely would want to be classified as a person who is like an Oak planted by streams of water, instead of a Tumbleweed uprooted by the wind. :)

Over the past few days I have spoken at three different journey groups here in the New Vision fellowship. The people here are SUPER! It really is unbelievable how quickly God has grown this church plant in just 2 1/2 years. They went from 8 people to, on their best day, 117! In just 2 1/2 years! Wow! The team of prayer warriors for Germany is growing and I'm getting excited. :) Just had an amazing revelation tonight of the powerhouse that Germany could be if they would respond to the stirring of the Holy Spirit and if waves of them would give their lives over to Jesus..."Every town...every city"
Tomorrow night I get to kick back and have a little fun with the youth as we sway to the music of Mercy Me, Jars of Clay and the Afters.

Okay, I just had the biggest yawn ever so I think it's time for me to say goodnight...Gute Nacht und süße Träume. 


Tschus!