The gigantic elephant in the room

Even though each day moves on, making the tally one less day until my departure, it still doesn't feel real. Yesterday we had farewell party for me with my extended family, and yet it didn't feel any different than one of our normal get togethers. Today we had our family photos taken and again it didn't feel like this would be the last one we would have all together for 4 years. We're not really talking about it, although sometimes I catch a glimpse of my mom teary eyed and sniffling...I know she's thinking about it and I know that she feels that it's getting closer. I think we all feel that it's getting closer, but none of us is really wanting to talk about what this really means for us as a family. It's the gigantic elephant in the room.
Tonight though, a little crack in our tough exterior regarding this topic was made. I was sitting on the front porch of my sister's house just talking. She was asking me details about what more I needed to buy and what still needed to be done before I leave and then talking about our family photos that had been taken. I shared with her how good it made me feel that Mason (my 10 yr. old nephew) had wanted to make sure to get a picture taken with me. It was then that the crack came...she proceeded to tell me that Mason is taking my leaving harder than she thought he would. She went on to explain what she meant by that and it just about broke my heart to hear that this is difficult for him. But as I sit here and write this, it breaks my heart because I'm not going to be able to be here for him (or the others) like I have over the last four months. Mason will be 14 when I get back. Maxon will be 4. Callie and Izzy will be 8 or 9 and Sydney will be 10. I won't be able to have girls night at Aunt Summer's house where we paint our nails, play games and watch fun movies. So much of their lives I'm going to miss. I want to know them and for them to know me, and a fear is that they'll know who their aunt Summer is, but we won't really know each other. That thought kills me. And these are honest moments when a part of me wishes that God would have called me to something different, something that didn't take me away from my family. These honest moments won't keep me from going for there is a great part of my heart that is longing for this, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have moments of feeling that I wanted to stay.
I am grateful that in today's world of int'l work I'm not hopping on a freight, with my stuff packed in my coffin, with the basic idea that I would never return home. I am grateful for things like skype, iPod facetime, email, video, etc. These things will make it easier to stay connected...but they will never replace living life side by side, being there in the flesh giving hugs........

These are the things that I'm thinking about at 1:42am...the things that I'm starting to feel.