A good reminder

This last year has been a year of revisiting my purpose in life, doing some soul searching and continually asking God to reveal to me again what I was created to do. I've been on a good journey of finding solace and meaning in who God created me to "be" but there are dreams that the Father puts in our hearts for things that He wants us to do; to be a part of; to lead; to initiate...and those are the things I want to be shown...again. Because sometimes life can carry you on and you go with its flow...but what if God wants to change the flow? 

This blog that I wrote years ago has given me a good reminder and a fresh perspective again, so I'm re-posting it here:

Here are the inklings that have come from my reading of "The Purpose Driven Life."

Here is what I found:
It's not about me. ah!Shocking.

I can't find my purpose by looking at myself. Think of a painting hanging in an art gallery. One thing that I depend on when I go to view art is that little white sheet of paper pinned up on the wall next to it giving the painters name, the medium it was painted in and the description of the "story" behind the piece of art. The painting itself could be beautiful, have amazing detail and just the right amount of shading and contrast and I could possibly get somewhat of an understanding (more like a guess) of it's meaning and purpose just by looking at it.
But if I wanted to complete purpose of the painting, I'd ask the painter. Let me give you an example of this analogy:
Last friday night I went to small church in Kilgore where they were displaying some artwork and having live acoustic music. The first thing I did as I entered was go and study the artwork. The paintings themselves were beautiful and I could tell they had purpose to it, but it wasn't until I read the description from the painter that I knew what the purpose was and the story behind it. The last painting I came to was a very well done, but very intriguing and mysterious piece. No matter how much I looked at it and tried to figure out it's meaning, I couldn't make sense of it, even with the title and the short description it gave. So, I decided to go ask the painter himself. He gladly shared the story that inspired the painting and immediately the meaning and purpose became clear.

I am like that painting. My life can display somewhat of my purpose-but it isn't the whole story. There is a story behind why I've been "painted." There is a reason why the painter used the light/dark contrast here, specific and fine detailing there. But to know why I was painted that I am, I have to go to the one who painted me.

Here is one more thing-according the Psalm 139 God saw me before I was born and had all my days numbered-every moment was laid out before a single day was passed. If all of my life was laid out before I was even born, that means that I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. It wasn't me who thought up the purpose for my life or who governs it.

Here is where it hits home...during my days I find myself saying (and striving for)"I have to be successful at this, this, this and this...if I show myself to be successful in these things that I've filled my life with, and all my t's are crossed and i's dotted then I'm fulfilling my purpose." ah ha. Wrong.
Being successful does not equal fulfilling my purpose. I could be successful in all those things that I filled my life with, but be so far away from the original purpose God "painted" me for.

A box of Prime rib

Tonight I saw the most extraordinarily simple display of fatherly love. I was so overcome with an emotional understanding of the Father heart of God, in a way I'm not sure I've ever felt before. It was brief but powerful. While out on my 8-week road trip across parts of Ohio and West Virginia, speaking to people about Missio Deo (God's mission and heartbeat that all peoples come to know Him), I've been given the privilege of staying with families-one of my favorite aspects about these tours. I was sitting in the living room chatting with my hostess, when the Father of this particular household came home from a banquet he had attended. He walked into the room holding a big white styrofoam box, which meant only one thing-left overs. He had a huge grin on his face and looked at his wife and said, "you'll never guess what I have in here"…he walked over to his wife, opened it up and showed her a box full of prime rib. He then proceeds to beam even brighter as he considers how happy their son is going to be, as he tells her he brought it home just for him. He closes up the box, heads down the hall and calls for his son to come out of his room…there is the Father just standing there with the box in his hand, with a smile from ear to ear, just waiting for the chance to reveal to his son what he brought home, just for him. It was the most beautiful scene playing out before me. The son came out, the father gave it him, waiting with anticipation as he saw his son open the box full of prime rib, waiting for that one moment when he gets to see the pure delight of his son's reaction…and it came…"Whoa! Look at all that Prime Rib! For me? How on earth did you get so much?!"
This father knew the heart of his son, and it pleased the father so much to give his son a gift that would make him smile. I think what struck me the most was how excited the father was to give this gift…anticipating the way he would reveal the gift, waiting to see his son's reaction and just delighting in the whole idea of giving a good gift to his son. In this scene I saw the Father heart of God-but I also saw in my own heart how hard it is sometimes to see this side of Him.
I don't often blog about the "singleness" aspect of my journey, as it is a very sensitive area, but I just felt God strongly speak to me tonight, saying that He is indeed my Father who gives good gifts, who knows what delights the heart of his children, and He himself delights in giving good and marvelous gifts. Let me just a be a little vulnerable here for a brief moment…I live the single life…sometimes I live it well and love it and can't see life any other way, other times I'm crying in my room at night, wondering if there really is a man for me, if I'll ever know what it means to love someone and receive someone's love in that way…and in those moments I doubt God's goodness. Yep. You heard me right…In the joys of my single life, I exclaim how great of a gift it is to be who I am, doing what I love and being called to the ends of the earth but in the moments when my heart aches for someone to journey this road with me in life and in overseas ministry, my heart also exclaims to God, where is your goodness in this? Why are you withholding this from me? Don't you see how how my heart aches, and yet you turn your face away…another year gone and another year alone. Those are the echoes of my heart in the loneliness of the single life, in the single life of one called to the ends of the earth.
So it's in this way that God truly spoke to my heart tonight- "If an earthly father has such a heart to give good gifts to his son, and delights in his happiness, how much more so do I want to give good gifts to my children…look how much I delight in giving you all good things, Summer. Trust in my goodness, trust in my love for you as my daughter."

So...how are you adjusting?

How is life in Germany different than life in America? Are you adjusting ok? Do things feel normal?

I am so thankful that people are asking these questions-but often I find myself at a loss for words...life is different coming back to the USA after fours away with no return in between, but can I really put it into words how it's different? I am adjusting, and I think I'm doing an okay job, but things definitely don't feel normal-although each day does get a little bit better.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, "a life overseas" and they had this list of "you know you are going through home culture readjustment issues when" and the list ensues...I laughed out right as I read through the list because I kept saying "Yes! Yes, that's me! Oh my goodness, yes!" Finally I had words to put to these questions people where asking...so I decided to cut and paste some of the list and then add my own "Germany specific" ones (which are bold typed). For all of you who have asked and I've given you a blank stare or a "ummm...I don't know" answer, here is your satisfaction:

1. Your passport is your preferred form of ID.
2. You comment on how cheap gas is in the US.
3. You gasp in shock when your at the supermarket and see how much the cheese costs.
4. You walk in to the chocolate section of Aldi (a German supermarket) expecting to find Rittersport and Milka chocolate only to have your heart sink when they are no where to be seen. 
5. Your CNN web page is set on “International.”
6. You find out that living overseas is not the top qualification employers are looking for.
7. You think Americans are loud.
8. You find out people still use checks to pay bills...and then:
9. You have to ask how to write a check.
10. People say, “football,” and you ask, “Which kind?”
11. You don’t know how to respond when people say, “I bet you’re glad to be back home.
12. You prefer to hear news reports from someone with a British accent. (this one is really true!!!)
13. You stand in awe that there is a “public water fountain” offering water for free. 
14. You turn on the subtitles on an English movie because you don’t want to miss anything.
15. You wonder if “organization” should be spelled with an s.
16. You just realize that the reason why everyone is looking at you with a blank stare is that you unknowingly had switched to conversing in your second language.
17. You stop bringing your bi-lingual Bible to church.
18. You just smile at people who say, “So I guess you’re all settled in now.”
19. You think the public schools are great because the teachers are all proficient in English.
20. You hand the cashier at Wal-Mart your credit card instead of swiping it yourself.
21. You have to ask if you should bring a gift with you when invited over for dinner.
22. You aren't sure if you should shake hands, hug or kiss the person you are meeting on the cheek. 
23. You’re a bit startled when the cashier packs your groceries for you, or when there is a “bagger” who then bags your groceries and THEN pushes your cart out to your car, and loads it into your trunk for you.
24. You ask your friends to take off their shoes when they enter your home.
25. People ask where you’re from and your not sure how to answer.
26. You realize that Taco Bell isn’t quite as good as you remembered it.
27. You look forward to mowing the lawn, because you have a lawn.
28. You say “here” and you mean the US, not the town you’re in.
29. You realize that the fashionable “genie pants” that are all the rave in your host culture are in fact NOT fashionable here. 
30. You set all your digital clocks to military time.
31. When talking about distances you use the metric system.
32. Airports feel like home.
33. You tell your waiter, “I’d like my water/soda without ice please.
34. You get nervous going to the doctor, paying the bill at the restaurant or buying tickets at the movie theater, because you forgot what the “rules” are.

List taken from "You Remember You're a Repat When..." by Craig Thompson
(http://www.alifeoverseas.com/you-remember-youre-a-repat-when/)

Bold and italicized added by Summer Hartzler

After a 2 year hiatus from blogging, I figured it was about time to put my fingers to the keys and let the creativity flow again. Hopefully this will also be a good exercise to get my brain working intelligently again in English. My German is improving everyday, and my Denglish is pretty great too, but somehow my English has taken a back seat and I can't quite seem to get in the vocabulary groove...thus I return with high hopes to increase those English speaking/writing brain cells once more.

Trust. It's a word that is frequently used within in the English language, and it's a word that is central to the survival or destruction of relationships within our human existence. There are cultures that exist where the word "trust" is not in it's foundations, but rather "trickery, deceit and betrayal" take it's place in how to relate. They say this, but they really mean this. They will not keep their promise. They will betray me. Will they harm me, though they say they intend good for me?
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that these questions aren't just asked in this culture built on trickery, but they are questions that almost every human being asks, and though trust is bounced about in the English language like a ping pong ball, it is a most essential need that needs to be met in every form of relationship within a given society. One needs to know that others intend good and not harm, they need to be able to trust this if the relationship (of any form) is to develop; one needs to know that if they release themselves to someone else, that this person will in fact catch them and not let them fall; one needs to know that if they share their heart with someone, that the other person will not take it and crush it.
And haven't we all experienced pain from trusting others who did the very thing we trusted them not to do? And doesn't that often then jade us into thinking that if it happens once, it will happen again and again and again? And so then we stop trusting people so easily, shutting ourselves off to potential relationships because of fear that this person will not be trustworthy. If I can be honest, this has been me in certain areas in my life, and not just with other humans, but also how I've felt towards God, the one in whom is perfect love, the one in whom I should never doubt and always trust because He is always faithful to his promises. He is the only one in whom we can put all our trust and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that his intentions for us are good...but somehow through some of life's most difficult challenges for me, I've found myself looking into a mirror that Jesus holds up and admitting that I've struggled to trust Him, and that I've withheld parts of myself from him, and have been afraid of taking certain risks in life and ministry because of it. And oh what a heart-breaking revelation that is, to hear the voice of Jesus say gently but sternly to you..."You don't trust me."
Sometimes, in my line of work, I look around at all of those workers who have been serving on the field for years and years, who are veterans in their service to jesus and I think that I am alone in this weakened state of trust but after talking openly with others who have been on the same journey as me and who have been journeying a lot longer, that they too struggle with trusting...we have not yet been completely perfected...we do not yet see clearly, and so in our skewed vision is a lack of understanding that leads to lack of trust...and I think maybe Solomon understood this too, for he gave us a Proverb that spoke exactly to this need for trust (that is also bounced around like the bouncy ball above the words in a sing-a-long dvd)...Let's say it together "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." It's my own understanding, it's my own perception of things and the fear that leads me astray, that leads me into not trusting. So the road that lies ahead of me right now, is learning to and committing to trust Jesus in those sensitive areas of my life that I've kept from him, and in the risks of life and ministry that I have been afraid to take.
"For a day in your courts is better than 10,000 outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God then dwell in the tents of the wickedness. For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord gives grace and glory. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of Hosts, how BLESSED is the man who TRUSTS in you!~ Psalm 84:11

Wash me in the Water

I'm standing on what appears to be a diving board, my feet on the edge of the board ready to dive-but wait, it isn't water that lies before me. I look down and what awaits me is the Word of God. Without hesitancy I dive face first into the Scriptures, sinking deep, not holding my breath but instead inhaling everything as I dive-allowing for the Scriptures to consume my lungs. And then I started to resurface and once I got back up to the surface I just started swimming in the Word...and it was as if the water lines of the Word were unending, no matter how far to one edge I would swim, it just kept reaching out into the horizon, taking me further and further-I just kept swimming and with every stroke that I made a page turned with it-so smooth, so steady, so graceful. 
The scene quickly changed and I was getting out of the "water." I reached down to grab my towel and pulled it up into the air-it became the German flag-and then carefully laid it down on the ground. I fell to my knees on top of the German flag and with my face pressed down against the flag I began to intercede for Germany-prayers were rising up into the heavens, but you couldn't actually hear my prayers, instead you could see them rising up in the air...they were in the shape of music notes. Coming out of my heart and mouth were songs of prayer over the country of Germany. 

Pretty powerful. These images were given to Val, a friend of mine, as her and another friend, Shelly, were interceding for me. I was blown away at the detail described, but also by images themselves and the volume at which they spoke to my soul. It is so very clear through this the emphasis God is making on the importance of being consumed by His Word, being washed by His Word, making every stroke in sync with the Word; His Word is Eternal, without Limit, no end. It is through this that I will then be able to intercede for Germany, not just in prayer, but that out of my mouth will flow songs for Germany. I believe that what this is saying to me is that through my Abiding in Christ will come a heart of intercession for the people of Germany and that some how God will use the music and songs in my heart to serve and to minister to them. Maybe even to break down strongholds-music under the anointing of the Holy Spirit and in collaboration with the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God is an effective tool to tear down strongholds...if this is your will Lord, so let it be. Like I said...powerful...humbling...a great responsibility.
And a wonder and a mystery that God speaks to us the way He does...this reminds me of a song that I love...called Small Enough by Nicole Nordeman. Here is a link to the song if you would like to listen:
http://www.myspace.com/nicholenordeman/music/songs/small-enough-this-mystery-album-version-33875635

He hears us when we pray, He longs to reveal His heart and His will-now the question is...what will I do with what I've been given and this knowledge of His will?

New Experiences

Pictures from my trip to Wernigeroda Germany in December. A good look at a typical German town-completely different from Berlin.

Change personified.

For years, "Change" and I have been good friends. We've journeyed the road of life together, anticipated the adventure that was just over the horizon. In the beginning, "Change" was exciting and I couldn't wait to start a new adventure with her. She'd arrive and say excitedly, "Come on, we have so much more to discover together, experiences to have that will make you a better person." I loved it when she came knocking. But over the last few years as "Change" and I have traveled these winding roads, I realized they became more slippery, rocky, uncertain and required 'more of me'. To her credit though, when we came to the end of each journey I felt as if my perspective of the world, and of myself was deeper, more meaningful, more complete. I would emerge feeling stronger and more steady. However, I don't forget the times when I felt lost, fearful, uncertain about where she was leading, and not  confident that I could actually make it. At times it seemed too hard, even though in the end I was shown triumph and victory.

I can't escape that "Change" is persistently knocking on the door of my life. I know it's there, and so many times I've walked toward to door, reaching for the knob to let it in, but then my mind starts imagining how it will invade every part of my life, and my hand stops mid-air; then retreats. I stand on one side of the door, "Change" on the other, waiting to be let in. It's ironic really, how I anticipate the arrival of "Change," but then reluctant to release myself.

How often this is the case also when Jesus beckons us to come to him to find life, to walk the many roads with Him. We long for it, but then often we are reluctant to release ourselves to him, even when we know that on the other end is life and fulfillment. We hold on to the old wineskins, resisting that which is new because it is unknown; and that...makes us uncomfortable.

Schönes Deutschland

Thanks to the wonderful and intelligent world of APPLE, I have been able to put together a video filled with photos of places I have visited during these last three months, and also just scenes from life here in Berlin. I hope that this helps you see a glimpse of my everyday here...Also Several weeks ago I got the opportunity to travel to Dresden to cheer on my team mate Don as he subjected himself to his very first full blown marathon. The whole team decided to make a weekend of it, to keep the camaraderie amongst us strong...plus it was a great opportunity to see other cities in East Germany and for me to gain more "cultural knowledge."

Also, because my brain seems to be working on overload with cultural adjustments and learning the language (I'm typing this while my brain seems to be speaking loudly "stop using me...I'm done.), my blog posts seem to be few and far between and are more photos than ramblings about my experiences here. I am hoping soon that my mind will remember how to speak creatively instead of grammatically-all that seems to be coming to my mind right now is "do I use 'zu' in this context or 'dass'? What endings go on the adjectives and in what situation do I conjugate the verbs and which situations do I not?" Not much creativity seems to be spilling out these days...so, hence I give you pictures. That way, you can use your imagination to create stories of your own. :D

Along the Streets of Berlin

In the first few weeks of Berlin I set aside my camera in order to withstand the urge to be "touristy." I didn't want to view Berlin in the eyes of a tourist, but I wanted to experience Berlin like any normal Berliner would...so, I set foot to figuring out the grocery stores that I liked (Kaufland, Rewe, Kaisers and yes indeed ALDI), getting myself a mobile phone, registering at the Rathaus (city hall) in the city of Berlin, setting up a bank account, figuring out the intricate Bahn-system (Public transportation), buying flowers to put on my new balcony, going to IKEA to buy things for the apartment, etc. etc. With all of that, plus starting language school, and trying to get on the right sleeping schedule there wasn't too much time in the first two weeks to be a tourist...and for that I am very glad. I've realized that there is a mentality that goes along with "tourist." To be a tourist is to be spectator-to remain on the outside of the culture gazing in; to not venture in deeply to experience the good and the not so good of the culture in which you find yourself. It's usually the glamourous places that the tourist wants to see, to snap a few shots, chalk it up to another place visited and a potential story to tell children or grandchildren when they ask what you've seen in life...but aren't the best stories the ones where you dig a bit further in than just "saying" you've seen a place. Don't the meaningful stories come from letting the smells, the tastes, the sounds, and the history, impact your senses? Too many times I've been guilty of living a "tourist" life.
Within the last week, I did get a chance to get out to "see the city." But as I went, I made an effort to think about the places I was going, to not just take the photo, but to consider the life that is lived or the life that can be had in each place. Berlin, and it's surrounding areas is a city given to History. So much has taken place here...let me introduce you to a few of those places.

Along Strelitzer Straße:

If you can see the posts sticking up out of the ground, you will see that this is where the Berlin Wall once stood-separating the East from the West-cutting many off from family and close friends. 

 And here is the actually remnants of the Berlin Wall that are still standing. 

It is said that no one had a clue that the separation was coming. One night everyone went to sleep and the next day, Barb wired fences were built cutting you off from the other side-no warning, no chance to say goodbye. 

 After the Barbed wire came the Wall...many were killed trying to cross the wall.

 Today it still stands...reminding people of what once was.

 This is my street-Strelitzer Straße. In the distance you see the TV tower-which was built by the communists while controlling East Berlin. The Russians wanted a visual reminder of how powerful they were-they wanted all of Berlin, not just the East side to see and to remember.

The place where my life is lived...welcome to my apartment. :)

 Here is my lovely balcony-Here I have had many moments of silence while sipping on my morning cup of Joe. 

 The view of the courtyard from my balcony-the place where many children play and people sit and talk.

My lovely roommate, Natalie and I.

Along the Brandenburg Gate:

 Years ago, this was the main entrance into the city-a thoroughfare, if you will, with a purpose. Now it is merely a memorial, a place for tourists. Again, seeing this makes me wonder what the days were like back when Berlin was divided.

 It is truly a powerful and magnificent structure!

Along the Holocaust Memorial:

 One starts off walking through these concrete slabs and they are ankle high...then they become knee high, then waist high-one is still able to see those others who are wandering around...but then the deeper you go, the less you can see the others around you...

 You find yourself alone, with the slabs now way over your head...walking through these aisles that seem to touch the "lonely" part of the human soul.

 This photo makes me think of all the feet that walked the pavements of the concentration camps, those who died without cause, without reason. It's sobering.

The artist gave no description of why he created this memorial the way he did...I guess maybe he wanted to leave room for what ideas and thoughts come to the individual mind as they journey through this memorial to what once was.

*There will be more pictures to come in the next few entries...

Sent out

Today is my last day in the US. My dad looked at me from across the dinner table tonight and asked "Summer, where did these last four months go?" It went too fast. I have enjoyed my time here so much, it's been so long since I've been "around" family. I was able to be here when my grandfather passed away, to say goodbye to him and grieve his passing; I was here to watch my nephew play baseball and hit home-runs, cheering him on from the stands; I was able to spend valuable time with my nieces, watching them in play using their vivid imaginations, wondering when they grew up...and now realizing that it will be several years until I get to hug them again. I have strengthened my friendship with my sisters and cherished the deep and meaningful talks we would have, and laugh and joke like we've never been apart. My sisters are my best friends, and I will feel the void of their presence as I have had it over the last few months. I've also spent valuable time with my parents, feeling their love for me so strongly and cherishing the time we've spent as a family. I am so blessed with the family i have...God has given me such an amazing gift of friends and family. But He has also shown me the treasure He has given me in the body of Christ-those in Texas, those in Ohio, and those all over the nation and internationally. I've had tears well up for me today, it comes and goes. I'm not sure how tomorrow morning will be. I may break down or I might hold it in...sometimes I just don't know how I will deal. But all I know is this is my path, this is the destiny laid out for my by the Lord...I trust His guidance and as He leads me (like in Psalm 23) so He will lead my family; protecting them and loving them and caring for them.
Here I am Lord, send me.

The gigantic elephant in the room

Even though each day moves on, making the tally one less day until my departure, it still doesn't feel real. Yesterday we had farewell party for me with my extended family, and yet it didn't feel any different than one of our normal get togethers. Today we had our family photos taken and again it didn't feel like this would be the last one we would have all together for 4 years. We're not really talking about it, although sometimes I catch a glimpse of my mom teary eyed and sniffling...I know she's thinking about it and I know that she feels that it's getting closer. I think we all feel that it's getting closer, but none of us is really wanting to talk about what this really means for us as a family. It's the gigantic elephant in the room.
Tonight though, a little crack in our tough exterior regarding this topic was made. I was sitting on the front porch of my sister's house just talking. She was asking me details about what more I needed to buy and what still needed to be done before I leave and then talking about our family photos that had been taken. I shared with her how good it made me feel that Mason (my 10 yr. old nephew) had wanted to make sure to get a picture taken with me. It was then that the crack came...she proceeded to tell me that Mason is taking my leaving harder than she thought he would. She went on to explain what she meant by that and it just about broke my heart to hear that this is difficult for him. But as I sit here and write this, it breaks my heart because I'm not going to be able to be here for him (or the others) like I have over the last four months. Mason will be 14 when I get back. Maxon will be 4. Callie and Izzy will be 8 or 9 and Sydney will be 10. I won't be able to have girls night at Aunt Summer's house where we paint our nails, play games and watch fun movies. So much of their lives I'm going to miss. I want to know them and for them to know me, and a fear is that they'll know who their aunt Summer is, but we won't really know each other. That thought kills me. And these are honest moments when a part of me wishes that God would have called me to something different, something that didn't take me away from my family. These honest moments won't keep me from going for there is a great part of my heart that is longing for this, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have moments of feeling that I wanted to stay.
I am grateful that in today's world of int'l work I'm not hopping on a freight, with my stuff packed in my coffin, with the basic idea that I would never return home. I am grateful for things like skype, iPod facetime, email, video, etc. These things will make it easier to stay connected...but they will never replace living life side by side, being there in the flesh giving hugs........

These are the things that I'm thinking about at 1:42am...the things that I'm starting to feel.

Andrew Peterson - The Reckoning

I can see the storm descending on the hill tonight
Tall trees are bending to Your will tonight
Let the mighty bow down
At the thundering sound of Your voice

I can hear the howling wind and feel the rain tonight
Every drop a prophet in Your name tonight
Oh, and the song that they sing
It is washing me clean but

How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?

And I know You hear the cries of every soul tonight
You see the teardrops as they roll tonight
Down the faces of the saints
Who grow weary and faint in Your fields

And the wicked roam the cities and the streets tonight
But when the God of love and thunder speaks tonight
Oh, I believe You will come
Your justice be done, but how long?

You are holiness and grace
You are fury and rest
You are anger and love
You curse and You bless
You are mighty and weak
You are silence and song
You are plain as the day
But you have hidden Your face--
For how long? How long?

And I am standing in the stillness of the reckoning
The storm is past and rest is beckoning
Mighty God, how I fear You
How I long to be near You, O Lord

How long until this burden is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
And I know that I don't know what I'm asking
But I long to look You full in the face
I am ready for the reckoning

Tools in my language belt

Yesterday I finished my three week course on Language acquisition. It feels wonderful to have completed this, but also it feels great that I have some big time tools in my language belt now. Can I say long and complex sentences in German? haha...that's funny. No, I cannot, but I can comprehend much more than I thought, and remember words and phrases that I learned ages ago in high school German class. I've always been a simple girl, and so goes it with language-the things I know right now...super simple. But I'll survive, and hopefully not be too scarred by the amount of laughter and huge mess ups that will come my way once I get into Berlin. Oh! And...I almost forgot, I can gargle and hack my way through the "uvular r" that those Germans love to use. Let's just say I hope that the people I speak with wear a spit guard. :D
So, although I am far from mastering the phonetic sounds of languages all over the world, I can "glottal stop, and alveolar trill" with the best of them!

Now that this class is over, I find myself having the precious jewel of "time" returned to me. I can blog, write my updates, make calls to friends I neglected during my online course, spend time with people again, watch The Return of the King extended dvd with my dad (we're addicted to LOTR!) finish my shopping list, and start packing as I begin this final countdown of 2 weeks before departure. Only 15 days left in the great continental United States.

As Sure as the Dawn...

Ahh. I needed this tonight-a chance to sit on my back porch listening to silence of the night and reflecting on the day, and the weeks and the months that seem to have gone by without me even noticing. We have now surpassed the middle of July, which means my time in Ohio will be drawing to a close in less than a month...27 days to be exact. I've been thinking about what it means to say goodbye to family and friends and I even envision what the day of my departure will look like when I hug my parents and sisters and nieces and nephew before i board my plane and fly across the world...hello sob fest.
A few months ago while I was at General Council I got a chance to sit with a good friend of mine who has been living in Africa for the last four years-the first thing she said to me when we finally sat down to talk was "I'm not going to ask you if you are excited. How are you really doing with this?" Boy was I glad that she cut through all of the surface banter to the core of my soul. She remembered the emotions. She remembered the goodbyes, some of the hesitancies of moving to another country and the very real process of culture shock. Of course there is excitement that runs through my veins and on one level I am ready to get on that plane now and begin this life that I have spent the last however many years of my life anticipating...but if I play hop scotch and jump right over the very real emotions that exist right alongside of the excitement I am doing my heart and my soul and my family a disservice. This time is precious time when we can say the things we want to say to each other and never had the chance.
Would I rather sit in the boat of excitement than have to swim in the waters of these emotions that come with saying goodbye? Yes, vulnerability is scary but Jesus is out in that water-calling me to come to him.

When some have asked how I am doing and I admit that I have feelings of sadness, too often they want to move me out of it by saying..."But you are doing the work of the Lord, there is so much excitement that lies ahead." yes. There is. But the feelings of sadness are just as real and I don't want to glibbly pass over them-relationships will change-friendships that I've had for years will not be the same-great losses will be felt. while there are great adventures before me I must first bid adieu' or an "auf wiedersehen" to the adventures that I've had. It isn't always easy for a idealist person such as myself who is all about the sentiment of the times to say good-bye to what once was.

This blog is correctly labeled for this part of life's journey...there is a road that stretches on ahead of me; it draws me ever on into the great unknown with the horizon as my line of sight. I am thankful that as sure as the dawn is that comes over that horizon so is my Jesus as faithful as its rise.

So, if you interact with me and ask how I'm doing, don't be surprised if I'm honest with you about it. The first words that come out of my mouth very well may be that I'm excited, but deeper still inside of me is a river of emotions.

The every day ordinary

This is the second time I have come to my blog page and sat blankly thinking of something to write. How on earth do I not have anything to say? I think sometimes I wait for some sort of brilliant revelation that has come over me and I want to bless the world with it...and well no brilliant revelations as of lately have come upon me. Bummer. Ah alas, there is more to my existence than just my musings on the meaning of life-so I thought I would share with you just some of the "every day ordinary."

Monday was was Memorial day-90 degrees and humid. I thought I left that weather down in Texas. Anyway, I went over to my sister's house for a cook-out and a rousing tournament (all planned out by my 10 year old nephew) of Corn Hole. Yes, that's right folks, Corn Hole. While it may sound a little red neck, I will say that it is addicting and strikingly pulls out a competitive edge within me.
It was also an evening of watching little Callie play with the kitty...what a sight to watch her try and ride on its back! It didn't work out to the advantage of the kitty.

It is one of my favorite things to just sit and watch the youthfulness of these little ones. Mason has so much energy, spurting here and there, and excelling at everything he does. Callie loves to just experience life-she'll take advantage of the grassy hill at the baseball field in which she and her little friends say "ready. set. roll!" and roll down the hill, bumping into each other, and giggling because they are having so much fun. And here comes a thought just gleaned: I miss the days of carefree living. I miss not having anything to be concerned about except when I would see my friends next, when I'd go to the swimming pool, going to get an ice cream cone, etc. There is so much enjoyment in participating in life. It truly is inspirational to watch them-inspires me to let go of the worries that I wear on my shoulders and enjoy the goodness of life that was meant to be enjoyed.

So, as I was sitting and contemplating this while watching the kids run around, I decided that I would do something that I always loved to do...climb trees. I still got it! I gripped a hold of that tree branch, walked my feet up the trunk and flung my legs over the branch to hoist myself up. I hope that when I'm 60 I can still do this. :)
As my friend Stef and I declared during one of our roadtrips from Ohio to Wheaton a few years ago-----E TO THE J BABY...E TO THE J. (Enjoy the journey.) A little more hip and trendy than sticking to the old fashioned saying of stop and smell the roses. :)

Sooooo....E TO THE J! Enjoy your journey!

"Guten morgen meine schöne frau" is the greeting that awaits me every morning during my stay here in El Paso. The phrase means "good morning my beautiful woman." I absolutely love this. My host's Deutsch Akzent is adorable, and I love when she mixes her German with her English...what would that be called "Germish?" "Gereng?" "Manlish?" (shrug).

Anyway, it just really excites me about when I get to start learning the language. I really have a feeling that when I am around it 24/7 in Berlin that my previous knowledge of the language will come swiftly to return to the surface of my brain. I already understand a lot. But more than her accent, I love her heart for God. We've had some incredible, and I mean incredibly conversations over the breakfast table (they usually last several hours).

Well I have been out in West Texas for a good while now and I am so sad to say that I have not seen a tumbleweed "tumble" across the roads yet! I have however seen the tumbleweeds stationary in the ground just waiting for the wind to blow strong enough to uproot it and carry it away. I think that I definitely would want to be classified as a person who is like an Oak planted by streams of water, instead of a Tumbleweed uprooted by the wind. :)

Over the past few days I have spoken at three different journey groups here in the New Vision fellowship. The people here are SUPER! It really is unbelievable how quickly God has grown this church plant in just 2 1/2 years. They went from 8 people to, on their best day, 117! In just 2 1/2 years! Wow! The team of prayer warriors for Germany is growing and I'm getting excited. :) Just had an amazing revelation tonight of the powerhouse that Germany could be if they would respond to the stirring of the Holy Spirit and if waves of them would give their lives over to Jesus..."Every town...every city"
Tomorrow night I get to kick back and have a little fun with the youth as we sway to the music of Mercy Me, Jars of Clay and the Afters.

Okay, I just had the biggest yawn ever so I think it's time for me to say goodnight...Gute Nacht und süße Träume. 


Tschus!

And....I'm back!
Right now I am currently in Midland Texas, the second to last stop on my trek. I just came from Lubbock and Next tuesday I fly to El Paso for my final week on tour. I can't believe that I'm passed the halfway point already. In some ways I do feel tired-there have been a lot of new environments to process, new cultures to interact with, speaking to different groups of people, but it's not like what I was expecting. I was expecting to reach this point and be ready to get home. And while I do look forward to getting back to Longview and not living out of suitcase, I also am really enjoying myself quite a bit! One of my favorite places was, surprisingly, in McAllen-the border town that I was originally concerned to drive to. But I think what made my time there so great was that for those few days I had a "ministry" partner. A woman I met at my very first church on tour traveled down with me, and I thank God how he worked that out. When I first met Connie, I felt a kindredness to her and I was sad that my time with her was so short. And then when the Lord opened the door for me to have someone travel down to the border with  me, I jumped at the opportunity. It also showed me that, though I can do go on tour alone, I prefer to be in partnership with someone. There is a reason why Paul had someone with him when he went out on his missionary journeys. I just enjoy it better with someone else.
The second great thing about this trip was the people we stayed with. This couple isn't originally from the CMA background, so it was fun to hear about how God lead them to start a church in the Alliance, and I'm thrilled to see what God has in store for them as they begin their new journey. And I felt a kindredness to them as well; as if we've known each other for along time. They were so gracious, AND Lowell was a coffee connoisseur! :) Waking up to the delightful smell of premium fresh ground coffee was AMAZING!  Now, Beth didn't like coffee as much, but I didn't hold that against her! :) lol. And actually we did a lot of LOL. I haven't laughed that hard or that much in a long time. I think I burned most of my daily calories by laughing! Thank you Jesus for those moments.
I am having some issues uploading some of my photos on this blog, so I will try to upload them to an album in Facebook so ya'll can see the sights I've been able to see. :)

Until we meet again...

Something new and unique in every city...

It is 12:21am, just wrapping up an evening full of storytelling and sharing about ministry with my host family back here in San Antonio. As many of you know, I'm a night owl, but tonight especially I am just exhilarated by the quality of the time spent with people tonight. 

Tonight was a special night. I praise God for unexpected blessings. I got a chance to connect with another Pastor from this area (not with the CMA) and his son through the people I am staying with. We arrived at this pastor's church and the six of us spent some time in worship together through song, praying the Psalms, sharing together some of the burdens on our hearts and then going before the Father  to intercede for one another. I also was able to share from my heart the things God has been revealing to me over the last 2+ years of ministry, and how he has again confirmed His calling to have the "beautiful feet that brings the good news." It's these times that I've specifically asked people to pray for; to have the opportunity to connect on this level tonight was God's direct answer to those who have been praying for this. THANK YOU FOR PRAYING!!!!

Tomorrow I head down to the valley...McAllen, Texas. I'm sure many you have heard about the recent tumultuous events that have been taking place down in Mexico near the border of Texas, but I want you to rest in assurance that God is with me as I go and has spoken his protection over me. He instills HIS peace and reminded me that He is going with me. He gave me a verse through Ruth Hess from Genesis 46. God is speaking to Jacob and telling him not to be afraid to go down to Egypt..."I will go down with you to Egypt and will surely bring you up again..." What a huge encouragement that my Father in heaven, knew my heart and spoke directly to it to calm any nervousness I had about it. He also then used other people to speak faith and trust into the situation...and before I knew it, any fears I had (of the worst possible scenario that could happen) were eliminated. So, I tell you this not to release you from praying safety over me but that God has granted me courage and faith and an anticipation of what ministry awaits me there. 

Priceless gifts

Last Saturday evening I was handed off to the people in Uvalde, Tx. First off, and no offense meant to East Texas, I felt for the first time like I was stepping into the "Texas" that one would see in the movies...the "Texas" that most people think of when they think of this great big state. It was fascinating! I was told many many stories of the important "cowboys" that lived in Ulvade and I found out, that the Vice President (whose name I cannot remember at this late hour) serving with Theodore Roosevelt came from Uvalde!
But something even more amazing was the chance I got to spend some time with a true warrior of prayer. Her name is Ruth Hess. The story of her life is one of ultimate obedience to the Lord (although she would argue with me that she wasn't always obedient) and her dedication to the fellowship of believers there. For years, she has lived in Uvalde because God had called her to be the prayer warrior for this city and for this church. She would be considered a modern day Anna in my opinion. Called to the temple of the Most High to pray night and day for the coming of the Messiah. Ruth goes to the throne room of God to pray for the coming of Jesus in power to this city and this church. This is her calling...to prayer. It isn't a glamorous work...in fact I believe it's one of the hardest callings anyone can receive from the Lord. It takes intense labor to intercede for people, extra measures of faith and perseverance, because often the answers take years to show themselves. I learned what it means to be steadfast and firm in the Lord by watching this woman this week.

Sunday night was a pretty fabulous night. I got the chance to speak to an amazing and gracious group of people from Ethiopia. I felt honored to be a part of their time of worship in their native language, and to then share my heart for the Lord and for His calling on my life. There was a great ease in communication that night, and I loved how God brought things to mind right as I was speaking that I hadn't planned on sharing. I was thrilled to get a chance to talk with a few of the women afterwards, and one in particular I'm asking God to remind me to pray for as she tries to communicate with her roommate the truth of Jesus Christ. I can't say enough what a truly beautiful group of people they are. Praise God for his creativity and diversity.
Here are a few pictures from the gathering that night. We were invited to stay to celebrate the birthday of this cute little girl.

These last two days have been refreshing as well. I feel like I've been renewed with strength...I was definitely sensing a lack of it at the beginning of the week and even feeling a heaviness that didn't break until today. I knew I would face opposition, and I have; and some in ways I didn't expect. But praise God, I feel that whatever burden was there has been lifted! In the midst of all this, God is continuing to refine me and reveal to me areas that need to be shaved off-fashioning this "key" into the exact likeness of the "Master Key."
This photo is a picture of a gift that was given to me by a couple from the church in Pleasonton. I had shared with them about the "Keys of the Kingdom" theme that God had been speaking to in my life, and a woman, Kathy made this necklace for me and gave it to me the next day ! What a priceless gift the Lord prompted this woman to give.

Being enculturated

I finally got a chance last Saturday to tour the city of San Antonio! I found that I really really like this city. There is an energy to it, lots of excitement and people...and the River Walk is such a unique part of the city. I think Longview needs to invest in one...hmmm well first Longview would need a River...well they dig lakes, why not rivers, eh? :) 

It was a short tour, but I got to see the highlights: The Alamo, the River Walk, a yummy plate of Quesadillas, a chance to feed tortillas to a duck and cheese to a pigeon, and a quick tour through the San Jose Mission. And to make this blog complete, I thought I'd add the pictures to prove that I was there! 

On Tuesday I got to go driving in the Hill Country, just north of Uvalde. I had no idea there were these massive rolling hills. Apparently Texas does have it all! My excellent hosts for my time in Uvalde, Pastor Butch Derosier and Ruth Hess gave me a great tour of the area...including a "drive through" Del Frio!

The Jeffrey family-my awesome hosts!

The Alamo

Apparently this is a chandelier...looks like a gigantic tear drop to me. All glass.

Rob and Joy Jeffrey-my hosts

The River Walk-sitting at a cafe along the River

San Jose Mission

Interesting how when God gives you a theme "Keys to the Kingdom", He tends to give small little gifts of encouragement, such as this: the last etchings that remain on the structure are in the shape of a key.

Gathering Hall in the San Jose Mission

San Jose Mission

My dear friends, Ruth and Butch

The road that goes "through" Del Frio

The beautiful Del Frio-the water is crystal clear and yes, this is the original color...no photoshop done here.

Summer in the Del Frio

There are hills in Texas!