Day 2: I am not an accident.

  

Well, hmmm....so far I'm not measuring up to my commitment to write every day...I'm doing horribly actually! (My weakness has been exposed...)
And yet, I have not given up. I have come back.


To Be known:
Several years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who believed that I was the woman he wanted to marry. When I would ask him how he knew, he would start mentioning his "list" of characteristics he wanted ina  wife and said that I "fit" all of them. Now, on the surface that sounds nice and great and all of that, but on a deeper level I realized  something. I didn't want to be a "list" of ideals to someone, I wanted to be known, truly known  as "me" and not to just fulfill a "quota" of characteristics. Over time I came to truly understand, by God's grace, that he didn't truly love me, or know me...he just had an idea of me. (Going in to how I know is a completely different story for another time perhaps.)

But that is NOT how it is with God. He doesn't just have an idea about who I am...What helped me walk through the ending of this relationship was the truth that even if this man didn't know me, I was already fully and completely known. In fact, before the creation of the world I was known. Before I was even born I was full known....what?! Really?! How is that possible? I need to let that strange truth soak in for a minute.

Now I'm not saying that I'm not created to be known by other human beings or that it isn't right, good and possible for this knowledge to occur between friends, family, husbands/wives, etc. but it will never match the depth of God's knowledge of me. There is no one else in this world who will ever know me as deeply and completely as my Creator God.

So, the wonderful truth is that my deepest desire to be fully known and fully loved has already been realized. So, if God doesn't plan for me to be married, I do not have to be deceived in thinking that because I'm not married I will never be known deeply. Chapter 2 in the Purpose Driven Life has really opened up this truth for me to reconsider, and as I reflected on this chapter about being created by God for a purpose, His knowledge of me really stuck out. So, I decided to take tour through Scripture to find out just what God has to say about this...
Here is what I've found:

The Lord spoke to Moses, "I will also do this thing for which you have spoken; for you have found favor in my sight and I have known you by name." ~Exodus 33:17

"For the Lord your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness, these 40 years the Lord your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing." ~Deuteronomy 2:7

"...hear from heaven, your dwelling place, and forgive and act and render to each according to all his ways, whose hearts You know, for  you alone know the hearts of all the sons (and daughters) of men; that they may fear you all the days that they have lived in the land..."~ 1 Kings 8:39-40

This is what the Lord God of Israel says..."But I know you well-where you stay and when you come and go. I know the way you have raged against me..." ~2 Kings 19:27

"What more can I say to you about the way you have honored me? You know what your servant is really like..." ~1 Chronicles 17:18

"But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me I shall come forth as gold." ~ Job 23:10

"I will rejoice and be glad in your loving kindness, because you have seen my affliction, you have known the troubles of my soul" ~ Psalm 31:7

"If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread our hands in prayer to foreign gods, God would surely have known it, for he knows the secrets of every heart." ~Psalm 44:20-21

"O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord" ~Psalm 139:1-4

"You made all the delicate, innter parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb...you watched me as I was being made in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me  before I was born...every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." ~Psalm 139:13-16

"Search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts..." ~Psalm 139: 24

"But now O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel the one who formed you says...do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you, I have called you by name, you are mine!" ~ Isaiah 43:1-2

"Everyone who is called by My name, and whom I have created for My glory, whom I have formed, even whom I have made." ~Isaiah 43:7

"Listen to me, descendants of Jacob, all you who remain in Israel. I have cared for you since you were born. 

yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime-until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you." ~Isaiah 46:3-4

"Even before He made the world God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into hi own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ...Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan." ~Ephesians 1:4-5;11

"He chose to give birth to us by giving us His true word. And we, out of all creation, became His prized possession." ~James 1:18

Purpose Driven Life Blog Entry #1: Going beyond the "Yes Yes I know"

Well folks, I started writing this first blog on January 12th, but here it is, 12:11am. So much for the first entry of the "Journey of Purpose" coming in on the 12th. Looks like there will be 2 Jan 13th entries.

Anyway, here are the inklings that have come from my first day of my 40 day journey in seeking God's "ultimate" purpose in my life as I read "The Purpose Driven Life."

Here is what I found:
It's not about me. ah!Shocking.

I can't find my purpose by looking at myself. Think of a painting hanging in an art gallery. One thing that I depend on when I go to view art is that little white sheet of paper pinned up on the wall next to it giving the painters name, the medium it was painted in and the description of the "story" behind the piece of art. The painting itself could be beautiful, have amazing detail and just the right amount of shading and contrast and I could possibly get somewhat of an understanding (more like a guess) of it's meaning and purpose just by looking at it.
But if I wanted to complete purpose of the painting, I'd ask the painter. Let me give you an example of this analogy:
Last friday night I went to small church in Kilgore where they were displaying some artwork and having live acoustic music. The first thing I did as I entered was go and study the artwork. The paintings themselves were beautiful and I could tell they had purpose to it, but it wasn't until I read the description from the painter that I knew what the purpose was and the story behind it. The last painting I came to was a very well done, but very intriguing and mysterious piece. No matter how much I looked at it and tried to figure out it's meaning, I couldn't make sense of it, even with the title and the short description it gave. So, I decided to go ask the painter himself. He gladly shared the story that inspired the painting and immediately the meaning and purpose became clear.

I am like that painting. My life can display somewhat of my purpose-but it isn't the whole story. There is a story behind why I've been "painted." There is a reason why the painter used the light/dark contrast here, specific and fine detailing there. But to know why I was painted that I am, I have to go to the one who painted me.

Here is one more thing-according the Psalm 139 God saw me before I was born and had all my days numbered-every moment was laid out before a single day was passed. If all of my life was laid out before I was even born, that means that I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. It wasn't me who thought up the purpose for my life or who governs it.

Here is where it hits home...during my days I find myself saying (and striving for)"I have to be successful at this, this, this and this...if I show myself to be successful in these things that I've filled my life with, and all my t's are crossed and i's dotted then I'm fulfilling my purpose." ah ha. Wrong.
Being successful does not equal fulfilling my purpose. I could be successful in all those things that I filled my life with, but be so far away from the original purpose God "painted" me for.

It's time to start pursuing God and getting His side of the story.

Ticket to 2011

On New Year's night, the final day of celebration for what 2010 was and anticipation of what 2011 will bring I sat with sister Amber, brother-in-law Matt, best friend Mel and her husband Jose playing Ticket to Ride, my new favorite game (Which just so happens to be a German made game-I think the Germans and I will get along well).

After all the smash talking of who would win and trying to out do each other and then finally congratulating the winner (which I just can't seem to remember who won-I had the longest train, but apparently that doesn't mean I won. :( ), we decided to spend some time talking about what we hoped for in 2011. We went around the table, and everyone seemed to have these intense and deep hopes and prayers for what God would do in them and who they wanted to be...and I sat there with nothing to say. It isn't that I don't have hopes or that I don't want God to do a great work in me, but I just hadn't sat still long enough or with purpose to really think about it. What do I hope for in this new year?
After realizing how ridiculous it is that I hadn't given the time to think about this, and that I've taken on the "passive" action in living life, I've decided that isn't good enough for me.


So, I am stepping out and making a decision, and that decision is that I am going to read the Purpose Driven Life...a book that I have not ever read. (I'm a person who rebels against what is the "rave" of the times...which is why I didn't read this book when it was "all the rave" in Christian circles).
I want to take this month and devote it to prayer about what God has for me this year and blog every day about what God reveals. Now considering my track record of blog entries and their consistency, I have to say that this will be difficult for me, but a good first step.

And, due to the fact that our God has a GREAT sense of humor, I imagine that many of my entries will involve awkward and ridiculous things that hopefully will make you laugh...it also might involve some hard things that will be hard to be honest about, but hopefully will inspire all of you to take a deep look at your lives as well. Who knows what is ahead, all I know is that this promises to be a great ride.

My first entry then will be tomorrow, January 12th.
See you all then!

Arms down, head back, and hold on!

I know that EVERYONE and their mother, brother, sister, father, cousins, uncles and aunts say this...but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around how FAST time is moving.
I'm 29-almost 30...first of all...WHAT?????? This cannot be.
Almost 11 years ago I graduated from highschool
Almost 8 years ago I graduated from college
Exactly 3 years ago I graduated from Graduate School
2 1/2 years ago I came to Longview--this is what seems the craziest. I can't believe that it's been 2 1/2 years already and that I'm in the home stretch of my time here.
Thanksgiving came and went, Christmas is almost here and once the New Year comes I can just see my life moving is super fast motion...
...kind of like this amazing roller coaster ride at my favorite amusement park, Cedar Point, in Sandusky Ohio: Top Thrill Dragster. You hop in the car, anticipating the ride, and hear the man in blue, holding on to his walkie like it's his trophy, calls out..."Keep your arms down, head back and hold on! Enjoy the ride here at Cedar Point, America's. roller. coast." And boom...you're off at 120 mph right from the start; head plastered to the headrest, and your face feels like it's getting the most intense face lift ever and you climb to 420 feet in about 4 seconds, and 13 seconds later, the ride is over....yes, this is kind of what I anticipate January-August to be for me...before I leave the country and begin a whole new life.
"Keep your arms down, head back and hold on! Enjoy the ride..."

Morning glory

One of my favorite things is waking up in the morning and feeling like I got enough rest and God is the first thing on my mind. I open my eyes and welcome the day, and have my first thoughts be to pray and ask God to help me order my day, and to empower me to accomplish all that He wants for me. This happened this morning.

Most times I drag my very weary self out of bed because mornings and I just don't get along...and my bed and I have become pretty good friends-so welcoming and comfortable with Egyptian cotton sheets. Who wants to get out of bed when you sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets?! Ah, but alas this morning was glorious and serene as I awoke in peace. I really hope that this becomes the normal description of my mornings.

And now with Coffee in hand and knowing God is with me today I am anticipating what God will show me today and how I might be able to minister to someone in Jesus' name.

Bring on your ministry God, I'm ready!

Tune in to a different frequency

I've been thinking about the last 7 years of my life and I've realized that so much of my time has been about waiting. Waiting for the dream that God put inside me to come to fruition. Waiting for desires to be fulfilled as I've sought after the Lord. And because I've come to realize how much of my time has been spent in the season of waiting, I'm wondering if there is something supernatural that occurs in this season because God orchestrates events in the lives of His people that cause them to wait. It's as if we can only know parts of God's character and truly encounter something supernatural with God in the midst of waiting. Let's think about what God says about waiting...

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 33:20 "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield."

Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."

Psalm 37:34 "Wait for the Lord and keep his way; He will exalt you to inherit the land."

Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord;He turned to me and heard my cry."

Psalm 130:6 "My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchman wait for the morning."

Proverbs 8:34 "Blessed is the man who listens to me,watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway."

Isaiah 30:18 "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him."

Isaiah 38:13 "I waited patiently till dawn; but like a lion he broke all of my bones;day and night you made an end to me."

Isaiah 51:5 "My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way,and my arm will bring justice to the nations.The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm."

Lamentations 3:24 "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Micah 7:7 "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord; I wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me."

John 3:29 "The bride belongs to the bridegroom.The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice."

Acts 1:4 "Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about."

Romans 8:25 "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

1 Cor. 1:7 "Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for the Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed."

James 5:7 "Be patient then brothers as you wait for the Lord's coming. SEe how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains."

Jude 1:21 "Keep yourself in God's love as you wait for the mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."

Sometimes I think that when we wait we don't exactly know what we are waiting for, we're just waiting because nothing has happened yet. But according to these verses, we are supposed to wait for the Lord-we aren't supposed to wait for a situation to change, but there seems to be something that God does when we wait for him, HE shows up and an interaction occurs.
A good friend of mine told me that when we wait on the Lord, it isn't that we are waiting in silence, but that there are a lot of different sounds in the waiting room, just on a different frequency, we have to tune into the supernatural frequency that God Himself is communicating on.
Sometimes waiting feels like God is just sitting on His throne, hearing my cry. But He just sits there. And I am convinced now that is a wrong perspective, because these verses speak that when we wait, God acts. When we wait, God can make things happen in the heavens, He rises with Compassion, He righteously judges, He makes things happen.
I think that is why He often orchestrates events in which His people have to wait, because HE wants to do it, He wants to show His saving arm. Just look at Abraham. God caused Sarah to be barren so that they would have to wait and see the salvation and the purpose of God come down upon them. It was HIS mighty hand. And we see what happened when they got tired of waiting, and lost hope in God's ability to act, and in His desire to do so.
So, as I sit in this waiting room...God isn't passively sitting by watching me wait, but when I pray He rises, whey I cry out in frustration He walks, when I exalt Him He shakes the heavens and His glory is revealed. Those are of the supernatural, and I get to take part in that.
What I'm needing in my current situation is to sense that "God is on the move" to accomplish His purposes for my life.
Waiting is hard. Giving up dreams is hard. Seeing that the future might look different than what I expect is hard: accepting that seems almost impossible. But is God faithful? yes! Is He ever out of control? No. I must hold on to His unchangeable character in the midst of uncertainty.

Grace Flows Down

Last night I was talking with my brother-in-law, sharing the good news of my consecration interview with him and exclaiming, "I had so much fun in there!" He laughed and said, "wow, that isn't usually the response that I hear from people who go through the ordination/consecration process..." And this comment is all too true.
I have been in interviews like this before, I went through one to become a candidate for International Ministries, and I remember feeling intimidated. And it was hard to just "relax" and express what is truly in your mind and heart when you feel the "pressure to perform." But this time, it was far different.

The difference...prayer.Absolutely. I had a great support team interceding for me here in longview and around the country and even overseas! How beautiful. But also before I went into this I went before the Lord and I said, "Jesus, I am not going in there unless you go before and stand with me. It's you and me. Let's go." Peace consumed me. In the presence of the Lord there is fullness of joy. I loved sitting in that room with these men sharing what I believe about the Lord and happily referring to scriptures that have been etched on my heart (partly due to 7 years of Bible Quizzing-being drilled on scripture-thank you Tom and Jim!) since I was a little girl.
There was a seriousness to the interview, but we were able to laugh and make jokes together as well. And later they expressed their thanks for the enjoyment they had, often it can be stressful for them as well...so they welcomed the refreshing time that we all had together.

After all the questioning was over, they called me back in to welcome me into the family of the Southwestern district as a fully consecrated and approved woman in the ministry. Then they gathered around me to pray over me. And something changed in that moment-I can't explain it, but I sense something has happened in my spirit-like God has just added me as a pillar in the house of the Lord and that is so humbling to consider.

His Grace flows down and covers me.