A good reminder

This last year has been a year of revisiting my purpose in life, doing some soul searching and continually asking God to reveal to me again what I was created to do. I've been on a good journey of finding solace and meaning in who God created me to "be" but there are dreams that the Father puts in our hearts for things that He wants us to do; to be a part of; to lead; to initiate...and those are the things I want to be shown...again. Because sometimes life can carry you on and you go with its flow...but what if God wants to change the flow? 

This blog that I wrote years ago has given me a good reminder and a fresh perspective again, so I'm re-posting it here:

Here are the inklings that have come from my reading of "The Purpose Driven Life."

Here is what I found:
It's not about me. ah!Shocking.

I can't find my purpose by looking at myself. Think of a painting hanging in an art gallery. One thing that I depend on when I go to view art is that little white sheet of paper pinned up on the wall next to it giving the painters name, the medium it was painted in and the description of the "story" behind the piece of art. The painting itself could be beautiful, have amazing detail and just the right amount of shading and contrast and I could possibly get somewhat of an understanding (more like a guess) of it's meaning and purpose just by looking at it.
But if I wanted to complete purpose of the painting, I'd ask the painter. Let me give you an example of this analogy:
Last friday night I went to small church in Kilgore where they were displaying some artwork and having live acoustic music. The first thing I did as I entered was go and study the artwork. The paintings themselves were beautiful and I could tell they had purpose to it, but it wasn't until I read the description from the painter that I knew what the purpose was and the story behind it. The last painting I came to was a very well done, but very intriguing and mysterious piece. No matter how much I looked at it and tried to figure out it's meaning, I couldn't make sense of it, even with the title and the short description it gave. So, I decided to go ask the painter himself. He gladly shared the story that inspired the painting and immediately the meaning and purpose became clear.

I am like that painting. My life can display somewhat of my purpose-but it isn't the whole story. There is a story behind why I've been "painted." There is a reason why the painter used the light/dark contrast here, specific and fine detailing there. But to know why I was painted that I am, I have to go to the one who painted me.

Here is one more thing-according the Psalm 139 God saw me before I was born and had all my days numbered-every moment was laid out before a single day was passed. If all of my life was laid out before I was even born, that means that I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. It wasn't me who thought up the purpose for my life or who governs it.

Here is where it hits home...during my days I find myself saying (and striving for)"I have to be successful at this, this, this and this...if I show myself to be successful in these things that I've filled my life with, and all my t's are crossed and i's dotted then I'm fulfilling my purpose." ah ha. Wrong.
Being successful does not equal fulfilling my purpose. I could be successful in all those things that I filled my life with, but be so far away from the original purpose God "painted" me for.

A box of Prime rib

Tonight I saw the most extraordinarily simple display of fatherly love. I was so overcome with an emotional understanding of the Father heart of God, in a way I'm not sure I've ever felt before. It was brief but powerful. While out on my 8-week road trip across parts of Ohio and West Virginia, speaking to people about Missio Deo (God's mission and heartbeat that all peoples come to know Him), I've been given the privilege of staying with families-one of my favorite aspects about these tours. I was sitting in the living room chatting with my hostess, when the Father of this particular household came home from a banquet he had attended. He walked into the room holding a big white styrofoam box, which meant only one thing-left overs. He had a huge grin on his face and looked at his wife and said, "you'll never guess what I have in here"…he walked over to his wife, opened it up and showed her a box full of prime rib. He then proceeds to beam even brighter as he considers how happy their son is going to be, as he tells her he brought it home just for him. He closes up the box, heads down the hall and calls for his son to come out of his room…there is the Father just standing there with the box in his hand, with a smile from ear to ear, just waiting for the chance to reveal to his son what he brought home, just for him. It was the most beautiful scene playing out before me. The son came out, the father gave it him, waiting with anticipation as he saw his son open the box full of prime rib, waiting for that one moment when he gets to see the pure delight of his son's reaction…and it came…"Whoa! Look at all that Prime Rib! For me? How on earth did you get so much?!"
This father knew the heart of his son, and it pleased the father so much to give his son a gift that would make him smile. I think what struck me the most was how excited the father was to give this gift…anticipating the way he would reveal the gift, waiting to see his son's reaction and just delighting in the whole idea of giving a good gift to his son. In this scene I saw the Father heart of God-but I also saw in my own heart how hard it is sometimes to see this side of Him.
I don't often blog about the "singleness" aspect of my journey, as it is a very sensitive area, but I just felt God strongly speak to me tonight, saying that He is indeed my Father who gives good gifts, who knows what delights the heart of his children, and He himself delights in giving good and marvelous gifts. Let me just a be a little vulnerable here for a brief moment…I live the single life…sometimes I live it well and love it and can't see life any other way, other times I'm crying in my room at night, wondering if there really is a man for me, if I'll ever know what it means to love someone and receive someone's love in that way…and in those moments I doubt God's goodness. Yep. You heard me right…In the joys of my single life, I exclaim how great of a gift it is to be who I am, doing what I love and being called to the ends of the earth but in the moments when my heart aches for someone to journey this road with me in life and in overseas ministry, my heart also exclaims to God, where is your goodness in this? Why are you withholding this from me? Don't you see how how my heart aches, and yet you turn your face away…another year gone and another year alone. Those are the echoes of my heart in the loneliness of the single life, in the single life of one called to the ends of the earth.
So it's in this way that God truly spoke to my heart tonight- "If an earthly father has such a heart to give good gifts to his son, and delights in his happiness, how much more so do I want to give good gifts to my children…look how much I delight in giving you all good things, Summer. Trust in my goodness, trust in my love for you as my daughter."

So...how are you adjusting?

How is life in Germany different than life in America? Are you adjusting ok? Do things feel normal?

I am so thankful that people are asking these questions-but often I find myself at a loss for words...life is different coming back to the USA after fours away with no return in between, but can I really put it into words how it's different? I am adjusting, and I think I'm doing an okay job, but things definitely don't feel normal-although each day does get a little bit better.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, "a life overseas" and they had this list of "you know you are going through home culture readjustment issues when" and the list ensues...I laughed out right as I read through the list because I kept saying "Yes! Yes, that's me! Oh my goodness, yes!" Finally I had words to put to these questions people where asking...so I decided to cut and paste some of the list and then add my own "Germany specific" ones (which are bold typed). For all of you who have asked and I've given you a blank stare or a "ummm...I don't know" answer, here is your satisfaction:

1. Your passport is your preferred form of ID.
2. You comment on how cheap gas is in the US.
3. You gasp in shock when your at the supermarket and see how much the cheese costs.
4. You walk in to the chocolate section of Aldi (a German supermarket) expecting to find Rittersport and Milka chocolate only to have your heart sink when they are no where to be seen. 
5. Your CNN web page is set on “International.”
6. You find out that living overseas is not the top qualification employers are looking for.
7. You think Americans are loud.
8. You find out people still use checks to pay bills...and then:
9. You have to ask how to write a check.
10. People say, “football,” and you ask, “Which kind?”
11. You don’t know how to respond when people say, “I bet you’re glad to be back home.
12. You prefer to hear news reports from someone with a British accent. (this one is really true!!!)
13. You stand in awe that there is a “public water fountain” offering water for free. 
14. You turn on the subtitles on an English movie because you don’t want to miss anything.
15. You wonder if “organization” should be spelled with an s.
16. You just realize that the reason why everyone is looking at you with a blank stare is that you unknowingly had switched to conversing in your second language.
17. You stop bringing your bi-lingual Bible to church.
18. You just smile at people who say, “So I guess you’re all settled in now.”
19. You think the public schools are great because the teachers are all proficient in English.
20. You hand the cashier at Wal-Mart your credit card instead of swiping it yourself.
21. You have to ask if you should bring a gift with you when invited over for dinner.
22. You aren't sure if you should shake hands, hug or kiss the person you are meeting on the cheek. 
23. You’re a bit startled when the cashier packs your groceries for you, or when there is a “bagger” who then bags your groceries and THEN pushes your cart out to your car, and loads it into your trunk for you.
24. You ask your friends to take off their shoes when they enter your home.
25. People ask where you’re from and your not sure how to answer.
26. You realize that Taco Bell isn’t quite as good as you remembered it.
27. You look forward to mowing the lawn, because you have a lawn.
28. You say “here” and you mean the US, not the town you’re in.
29. You realize that the fashionable “genie pants” that are all the rave in your host culture are in fact NOT fashionable here. 
30. You set all your digital clocks to military time.
31. When talking about distances you use the metric system.
32. Airports feel like home.
33. You tell your waiter, “I’d like my water/soda without ice please.
34. You get nervous going to the doctor, paying the bill at the restaurant or buying tickets at the movie theater, because you forgot what the “rules” are.

List taken from "You Remember You're a Repat When..." by Craig Thompson
(http://www.alifeoverseas.com/you-remember-youre-a-repat-when/)

Bold and italicized added by Summer Hartzler

After a 2 year hiatus from blogging, I figured it was about time to put my fingers to the keys and let the creativity flow again. Hopefully this will also be a good exercise to get my brain working intelligently again in English. My German is improving everyday, and my Denglish is pretty great too, but somehow my English has taken a back seat and I can't quite seem to get in the vocabulary groove...thus I return with high hopes to increase those English speaking/writing brain cells once more.

Trust. It's a word that is frequently used within in the English language, and it's a word that is central to the survival or destruction of relationships within our human existence. There are cultures that exist where the word "trust" is not in it's foundations, but rather "trickery, deceit and betrayal" take it's place in how to relate. They say this, but they really mean this. They will not keep their promise. They will betray me. Will they harm me, though they say they intend good for me?
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that these questions aren't just asked in this culture built on trickery, but they are questions that almost every human being asks, and though trust is bounced about in the English language like a ping pong ball, it is a most essential need that needs to be met in every form of relationship within a given society. One needs to know that others intend good and not harm, they need to be able to trust this if the relationship (of any form) is to develop; one needs to know that if they release themselves to someone else, that this person will in fact catch them and not let them fall; one needs to know that if they share their heart with someone, that the other person will not take it and crush it.
And haven't we all experienced pain from trusting others who did the very thing we trusted them not to do? And doesn't that often then jade us into thinking that if it happens once, it will happen again and again and again? And so then we stop trusting people so easily, shutting ourselves off to potential relationships because of fear that this person will not be trustworthy. If I can be honest, this has been me in certain areas in my life, and not just with other humans, but also how I've felt towards God, the one in whom is perfect love, the one in whom I should never doubt and always trust because He is always faithful to his promises. He is the only one in whom we can put all our trust and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that his intentions for us are good...but somehow through some of life's most difficult challenges for me, I've found myself looking into a mirror that Jesus holds up and admitting that I've struggled to trust Him, and that I've withheld parts of myself from him, and have been afraid of taking certain risks in life and ministry because of it. And oh what a heart-breaking revelation that is, to hear the voice of Jesus say gently but sternly to you..."You don't trust me."
Sometimes, in my line of work, I look around at all of those workers who have been serving on the field for years and years, who are veterans in their service to jesus and I think that I am alone in this weakened state of trust but after talking openly with others who have been on the same journey as me and who have been journeying a lot longer, that they too struggle with trusting...we have not yet been completely perfected...we do not yet see clearly, and so in our skewed vision is a lack of understanding that leads to lack of trust...and I think maybe Solomon understood this too, for he gave us a Proverb that spoke exactly to this need for trust (that is also bounced around like the bouncy ball above the words in a sing-a-long dvd)...Let's say it together "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." It's my own understanding, it's my own perception of things and the fear that leads me astray, that leads me into not trusting. So the road that lies ahead of me right now, is learning to and committing to trust Jesus in those sensitive areas of my life that I've kept from him, and in the risks of life and ministry that I have been afraid to take.
"For a day in your courts is better than 10,000 outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God then dwell in the tents of the wickedness. For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord gives grace and glory. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of Hosts, how BLESSED is the man who TRUSTS in you!~ Psalm 84:11

Wash me in the Water

I'm standing on what appears to be a diving board, my feet on the edge of the board ready to dive-but wait, it isn't water that lies before me. I look down and what awaits me is the Word of God. Without hesitancy I dive face first into the Scriptures, sinking deep, not holding my breath but instead inhaling everything as I dive-allowing for the Scriptures to consume my lungs. And then I started to resurface and once I got back up to the surface I just started swimming in the Word...and it was as if the water lines of the Word were unending, no matter how far to one edge I would swim, it just kept reaching out into the horizon, taking me further and further-I just kept swimming and with every stroke that I made a page turned with it-so smooth, so steady, so graceful. 
The scene quickly changed and I was getting out of the "water." I reached down to grab my towel and pulled it up into the air-it became the German flag-and then carefully laid it down on the ground. I fell to my knees on top of the German flag and with my face pressed down against the flag I began to intercede for Germany-prayers were rising up into the heavens, but you couldn't actually hear my prayers, instead you could see them rising up in the air...they were in the shape of music notes. Coming out of my heart and mouth were songs of prayer over the country of Germany. 

Pretty powerful. These images were given to Val, a friend of mine, as her and another friend, Shelly, were interceding for me. I was blown away at the detail described, but also by images themselves and the volume at which they spoke to my soul. It is so very clear through this the emphasis God is making on the importance of being consumed by His Word, being washed by His Word, making every stroke in sync with the Word; His Word is Eternal, without Limit, no end. It is through this that I will then be able to intercede for Germany, not just in prayer, but that out of my mouth will flow songs for Germany. I believe that what this is saying to me is that through my Abiding in Christ will come a heart of intercession for the people of Germany and that some how God will use the music and songs in my heart to serve and to minister to them. Maybe even to break down strongholds-music under the anointing of the Holy Spirit and in collaboration with the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God is an effective tool to tear down strongholds...if this is your will Lord, so let it be. Like I said...powerful...humbling...a great responsibility.
And a wonder and a mystery that God speaks to us the way He does...this reminds me of a song that I love...called Small Enough by Nicole Nordeman. Here is a link to the song if you would like to listen:
http://www.myspace.com/nicholenordeman/music/songs/small-enough-this-mystery-album-version-33875635

He hears us when we pray, He longs to reveal His heart and His will-now the question is...what will I do with what I've been given and this knowledge of His will?

New Experiences

Pictures from my trip to Wernigeroda Germany in December. A good look at a typical German town-completely different from Berlin.

Change personified.

For years, "Change" and I have been good friends. We've journeyed the road of life together, anticipated the adventure that was just over the horizon. In the beginning, "Change" was exciting and I couldn't wait to start a new adventure with her. She'd arrive and say excitedly, "Come on, we have so much more to discover together, experiences to have that will make you a better person." I loved it when she came knocking. But over the last few years as "Change" and I have traveled these winding roads, I realized they became more slippery, rocky, uncertain and required 'more of me'. To her credit though, when we came to the end of each journey I felt as if my perspective of the world, and of myself was deeper, more meaningful, more complete. I would emerge feeling stronger and more steady. However, I don't forget the times when I felt lost, fearful, uncertain about where she was leading, and not  confident that I could actually make it. At times it seemed too hard, even though in the end I was shown triumph and victory.

I can't escape that "Change" is persistently knocking on the door of my life. I know it's there, and so many times I've walked toward to door, reaching for the knob to let it in, but then my mind starts imagining how it will invade every part of my life, and my hand stops mid-air; then retreats. I stand on one side of the door, "Change" on the other, waiting to be let in. It's ironic really, how I anticipate the arrival of "Change," but then reluctant to release myself.

How often this is the case also when Jesus beckons us to come to him to find life, to walk the many roads with Him. We long for it, but then often we are reluctant to release ourselves to him, even when we know that on the other end is life and fulfillment. We hold on to the old wineskins, resisting that which is new because it is unknown; and that...makes us uncomfortable.